Crazy C crochet

Crocheting baby blankets for the miscarriage association uk

there is always hope

Wow so it’s been a very long time. My last miscarriage resulted in surgical management because the egg sac was just too stubborn to go of its own accord. They determined there was a baby but it had been “ejected” at around 5 weeks gestation. We were advised not to get pregnant that month, I thought this was due to there being a higher risk of miscarriage again, turned out it was because it causes far too much confusion with dates. 

Well despite our best efforts to be careful we ended up pregnant again (apparently you are more fertile after surgical management of a miscarriage and some have told me after any form of miscarriage). This baby however hung in there. I went to the doctors for bloods, they were good, I returned two days later they were ridiculously high, I returned another two days later same story. Aside from looking like a pin cushion I was elated, but the happiness was tinged with caution and, I’m not ashamed to say, fear. I was terrified and every day I woke up with that familiar cramping sensation but it lasted barely a few moments, probably psychological rather than physical. Then the morning sickness really kicked in, still no major pains or signs of loss. Before we knew it we were seven weeks and the specialist had received word of our situation and asked us to come in for a scan. 

That was when the terror kicked in again, and a form of resignation. An early, trans vaginal scan had only had a good result once before for us and we have had many. I say we because the husband is always positioned rather traumatically at the end of the stretcher couch by my feet, able to see the screen before me. I didn’t want to look, I was certain another empty sac would be found. But my husbands eyes lit up and I dared to hope.

The screen was promptly turned around and there was a tiny little bean, looking like a tiny little dinosaur tail included, but heart beat present. There was our long awaited second baby, and it looked perfect. I can’t begin to say how much I cried, and went on crying for days afterwards. 

We have since had our 12 week scan were we found we were more like 13 weeks, introduced C to the idea that she will be a big sister and I have begun to crochet my fingers to the bone to create something for our new baby. We have picked names for a boy or a girl and in a little under two weeks we will know what form our little treasure will take. 

If things go wrong they go wrong, for now we have the hope of another child, and we are constantly reminded of how fortunate we are to have our healthy beautiful little girl who grows more hilarious and intelligent every single day. For now I can sit, cuddling my girl, crocheting for the next child already strong enough to let mummy feel it’s flutters and make her tummy balloon a little (I’m literally going to end up a whale). 

As always my love to all and hopes this post finds you well.
   

  

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Another loss

At the beginning of this month my husband and I woke up from sheer joy to that all too familiar pain and anguish as we realised we had lost another tiny soul. We recovered a little more quickly than previously though as our doctor referred us to a specialist for testing, there was the hope finally that we might get an answer. Until two weeks passed and I felt as though i wasn’t well, cue a visit to the doctors and the obligatory pregnancy test just to make sure before the prescription and administration of antibiotics. I sat waiting for the negative reading only to be shocked by a positive test, in fact the next five tests were positive. 

Two days later I lay in the examination room with my husband sat at my feet watching the nurse with not too expectant eyes neither of us daring to hope, only to hear “the sac is there, you are pregnant, but we will need to rescan in another week just to make sure everything is moving along as it should”. She reassured us it was quite normal to not see a baby at this point, too early. We were jubilant as much as we tried not to be telling ourselves it has been known to have a false negative and revelling in how strong this baby was to have survived all the nasty business that comes with a loss. There was a cyst on the ovary, an a lot of pain in the following days, the doctors felt the cyst had burst but everything else seemed fine. 

Then the blood results came back, they weren’t as they should’ve been. Then the second scan revealed the sac had not grown, there was still no yolk, still no visible baby. The nurse this time was gentle, kind, compassionate everything to be expected from the profession, most importantly, she was honest. “I am almost certain this pregnancy has not been successful, I’m sorry.” 

That honesty finally gave me the chance to grieve properly. We still have another scan to go through, as she put it they have to give the sac every chance, although they are certain the sac is just that….. a sac. I’ve become quite stoic I suppose, I remembered what anembryonic pregnancy or blighted ovum meant from my training. My baby may never have existed or if it did it “died” very early on. They discussed the options with me there and then which I was grateful for, more time to make a decision and do my research. If the sac is still there at my next scan I am opting for surgery, quick, clean and paving the way for any hope we may have in the future. We also have a meeting with the consultant still to think of. 

Until then I have been resting, cuddling my gorgeous C and of course crocheting, now I have another little soul to think of as I crochet, and I plan on pouring my heart and soul into each stitch made. So no pretty pictures with this post, just sending you all my love and hopes that you are all well and happy xxxx

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Emotional post

sorry folks, I’ve been away from here for far too long. I became very downhearted when I made several blankets, sent them out and didn’t receive any news, or donation. So I had to change method, now I have set prices, and payment has to be made before the blankets are sent out. I feel terrible about this and it really wasn’t the way I wanted to go about my charity work. So I’ve been hiding away a little while ive reevaluated and reorganised things. 

A friend of mine contacted me and asked if I would create a very special blanket. A very girlie affair, but very small, small enough to fit inside a memory box. This friend had sadly learned that someone she knew had experienced a still birth, their beautiful daughter was born sleeping. This mummy had instead of coming home in a few months time with a beautiful bundle in her arms had been left bereft and empty armed. 

As many of you know I have miscarried, I will always count my lucky stars however that I have never been through what this mummy and daddy have endured, feeling those that I have lost kick, move and wriggle inside me. The pain they must be feeling is beyond my imagination. So armed with my mission I began crocheting, all other projects went on the back burner while I focussed on this precious blanket. 

I’d been given full choice of colour, ribbon, bows or other embellishments. So I went with baby pink wool, baby pink ribbon and baby pink bows with diamantΓ© centres. All I could think was when I found out I was having a girl all the pretty, girlie sparkly parts of my personality suddenly rose to the surface again. This mummy awaiting her memorial blanket would not have the pretty girlie sparkly opportunities I know have for life, or at least as long as C will allow me to. This mummy only has a few sparkly opportunities, so I was determined to make the most of this one. 

On finishing the blanket I began to search for a name for her. I did not know if mummy and daddy had named their girl, so I began trawling my usual baby name sites. I always search by meaning but the usual angel, and angelique just weren’t special enough. So I though back to my light worker roots, to the orders of angels I had studied so much in my younger years. And the seraphin popped into my mind. These bright, angels are of the highest order. So I typed in Seraphin, and in the list of linked names was Seraphina and there was the lightbulb. Perfect, Seraphina, an angel amongst Angels. 

   
   

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A secret

Its time I was honest. A very long time ago I suffered my very first miscarriage, I was 19, had I given birth the baby would have been nine this year, around C’s birthday. My husband has prompted me to post this, he obviously wasn’t the father but feels that I never talk about my first loss which was im afraid far more traumatic than the more recent two, for reasons I won’t go into on such a public forum as the Internet. My hubby feels it is wrong for me to openly mourn my last two angels while it appears I have forgotten my first. I haven’t, I never could. That child was as precious to me as any other I have carried no matter how long I carried “him” for. I have never discussed the loss with medics, my doctors are not aware of it because of the cause of the loss. 

I believed the baby was a boy, I named “him” Tristan, my sorrow. 

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Charlie part 2

its been a crazy couple of months. I’ve started a new job, baby C is getting to be a very big, independent head strong young girl (can’t think of where she gets that from) and I finally finished an order which was requested ages ago. The lady emailed me on when I had finished Andrea to tell me she would like an order slot but would specify colours when she had found out if she was expecting a boy or girl. A little while later I received a message that she was expecting a baby boy and her blanket choice was “Charlie”. Having had requests for blankets I had never made before there was some form of comfort in going back to what I knew would work, and look lovely when completed. 

I’ve yet to reopen my order books, in truth I am only going to accept one order a month, otherwise I will simply make up blankets as I go and offer them to whoever wants them for the usual donation. I have put a warning up on my Facebook page that should any threads or ribbons become loose the blanket should be stored or thrown away. I’m very safety conscious for these young babies and their parents who have taken the time to order and donate to the miscarriage association, in memory of my angels. 

So Charlie 2 is on his way to his new owner, her baby is due in three weeks and I have been promised pictures of him with Charlie 2. There is something so lovely about being able to see the blankets I make in use. And the lovely pictures of the babies are helping my grieving process, Eden would have been due in just over a month, which means she would have been with us in just over two weeks, my heart is aching and I will gladly accept any balm to its pain that is offered. 
   
 

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29

It’s my birthday! 29 years old! Getting on a bit πŸ˜‚ the husband has gone to work so it’s just me and C for the morning. We are going to the 1st birthday party of my friends daughter but will only be able to stay a short while as my family have arranged a little get together to celebrate my birthday. I woke up this morning to hear my beautiful girl shouting mamma and dadda, and laughed as her daddy discovered there was a truly awful smell coming from her nappy. Happy birthday to me πŸ˜‚ 

On a happier less stinky note I loved my birthday presents even though I knew what I was getting, I chose the yarn πŸ˜‚

   

 

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Eden

When my husband and I miscarried in November last year he was adamant we were going to name the baby, and together we chose a name, a girls name as that was I was sure we were expecting. We chose the name Eden, because in our eyes she had come from paradise and that is where she returned. 

A few months ago a colleague of mine asked me to make her a blanket as a gift for her sister in law who is expecting a most precious little girl after much heartbreak. My colleague asked for white wool with pink ribbon and chose some lovely pink rosettes as decoration. I hadn’t used these before so was nervous about how my lack of sewing skills would cope with the task. 

I’m glad to say my sewing skills managed….well…..ok….ish…..I think. I finished her and the only thing that popped into my head was Eden. I touched my stomach and burst into tears. I would have been 6 months pregnant now, my Eden would’ve been kicking away by now. Instead I have since lost another baby and for a moment I allowed myself to feel lost, to feel grief stricken. Then I pulled myself together, sent my friend pictures of the blanket and crept upstairs to sit in my beautiful girls room and stroked her hair. My precious precious girl. 

So here she is, Eden, the only blanket to make me cry.

  

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Fiber Flux: Top 10 Fiber Flux Crochet Flowers!

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Free Crochet Pattern for Basic Beanie – Crochet Zone

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Amigurumi Little Cow πŸ˜Š

Gorgeous

Graziela Leah Knits & Crochets

00155A549-0

From a Chinese site, with graphic crochet instructions:

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